“SHALLOW HAL, SHOCKING TALES”: LADY GAGA, RIHANNA, AND CATHERINE ZETA-JONES ON THE PERILS OF LAVENDER BAY TRADIES
In a scene that could only unfold in a harbourside suburb where the average property price requires a small nation’s GDP, three global icons were spotted huddled outside a Lavender Bay café—debating the absolute nightmare of finding decent tradies.
Yes, Lady Gaga, Rihanna, and Catherine Zeta-Jones—women whose combined net worth could buy the entire Lower North Shore twice over—were engaged in what can only be described as the most chaotic and electrifying tradesperson therapy session in human history.
Our undercover reporter posed as a seagull (poorly) and overheard everything. What follows is 90% accurate, 10% embellished, and 100% the most unhinged conversation about plumbing and electrics ever recorded.
[Menu]
THE SCENE: Lavender Bay, a harbourside suburb three kilometres north of the Sydney CBD, known for its expansive harbour views, its heritage-listed Brett Whiteley House, and apparently, its terrifying tradie stories .
THE PLAYERS: Lady Gaga (holding a glass of sparkling water she refuses to drink because ‘the bubbles feel aggressive’), Rihanna (inspecting her nails like they contain the secrets of the universe), and Catherine Zeta-Jones (sipping tea with the quiet authority of someone who has survived Hollywood and Mosman).
GAGA OPENS WITH A CONFESSION
LADY GAGA (adjusting her shoulder pads, which are architecturally significant):
“Darling, I have a confession. I found an electrician in Lavender Bay. He seemed competent. Professional. He had a van. A clean van. Magnetic signage that wasn’t peeling. I thought, ‘Finally, someone who won’t electrocute me.'”
RIHANNA (raising one perfectly sculpted eyebrow):
“Seemed competent. That’s a dangerous phrase. Go on.”
LADY GAGA (leaning in dramatically):
“He fixed the wiring in my penthouse. The lights worked. The smart blinds functioned. The heated towel rails were toasty. But I felt… the need to test his work.”
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES (setting down her teacup with the precision of a surgeon):
“Test his work. How, exactly?”
LADY GAGA (casually, as if discussing the weather):
“I electrocuted him.”
RIHANNA (choking on her water):
“YOU DID WHAT?”
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES (utterly unimpressed):
“Darling. You electrocuted the man. That’s why he screamed. That’s why the neighbours called the police. That’s why there was a situation.”
LADY GAGA (waving a dismissive hand):
“Calm down. He survived. And I gave him a tip.”
RIHANNA (squinting):
“A tip. You gave him a tip. After you sent voltage through his body.”
LADY GAGA (nodding earnestly):
“Yes. A generous one. Twenty percent of the invoice. And I said, ‘Don’t touch those wires again.'”
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES (deadpan):
“That’s the tip? ‘Don’t touch those wires again’? That’s not a tip. That’s a warning. That’s a threat dressed up as career advice.”
RIHANNA (cackling now):
“‘Don’t touch those wires again.’ Really? What were you thinking?”
LADY GAGA (pausing, genuinely reflecting):
“I was thinking… I needed to be sure the work was safe? And he did survive. And the wiring has been flawless ever since. So really, I consider it a success.”
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES (pinching the bridge of her nose):
“A success. You electrocuted a man and called it quality assurance.”
RIHANNA (wiping tears of laughter from her eyes):
“Girl, you didn’t test his work. You tested his will to live.”
RIHANNA RAISES THE STAKES
RIHANNA (leaning forward, a dangerous glint in her eye):
“Okay, Gaga. Your electrician story is unhinged. But it reminds me of the time I had a plumber in Lavender Bay. The drain in my shower was gurgling. Not dripping. Not leaking. Gurgling. Like it was judging me.”
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES (fascinated despite herself):
“A gurgling drain. That’s… oddly specific.”
RIHANNA (nodding):
“I called a plumber. He arrived. Nice man. Very professional. Didn’t flinch at my security detail. I told him about the gurgling. He said, ‘I’ll need to see it in action.'”
LADY GAGA (gasps):
“So you forced him to watch you shower.”
RIHANNA (unapologetically):
“I invited him to observe the drain while I showered. To prove the gurgling was real. I wasn’t about to be gaslit by a pipe, darling.”
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES (putting down her tea entirely):
“You forced a plumber to watch you shower. To prove a drain was gurgling.”
RIHANNA (shrugging):
“He was nice about it! Very professional. Kept his eyes on the drain. Took notes. Nodded along. Said, ‘I see the issue, ma’am.'”
LADY GAGA (delighted):
“And did he fix it?”
RIHANNA (grimacing):
“He did. But he made one fatal error. He passed me the wrong shampoo.”
LADY GAGA (scandalised):
“Wrong shampoo?!”
RIHANNA (huffing):
“Yes! He handed me the conditioner instead of the clarifying shampoo. I was furious. I said, ‘Do you know who I am? Do you know what this shampoo costs? This is artisanal. This is bespoke. This is mine.'”
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES (burying her face in her hands):
“Let me get this straight. You forced a plumber to watch you shower. He fixed your drain. He made a minor shampoo error. And you lost your mind.”
RIHANNA (defensively):
“It was the principle, Catherine. You don’t hand Rihanna the wrong shampoo. That’s not just a mistake. That’s a statement.”
THE HILARITY ENSURES
LADY GAGA (cackling now, wiping tears):
“Rihanna! You are unhinged! Electrocuting an electrician is one thing—that’s quality control—but forcing a plumber to watch you shower over a gurgle?”
RIHANNA (jabbing a finger at Gaga):
“Says the woman who sent 240 volts through a man’s body and called it ‘testing’!”
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES (raising her teacup like a gavel):
“Order! Order! I cannot believe I am mediating a dispute between a woman who electrocutes tradespeople and a woman who subjects them to shower surveillance.”
LADY GAGA (turning to Zeta-Jones):
“Oh, like you’re any better! You told me you once made a plumber sign a non-disclosure agreement before he’d look at your toilet!”
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES (haughtily):
“That’s different. That’s professional discretion. My toilet had opinions. I didn’t want those opinions leaving the premises.”
RIHANNA (howling with laughter):
“Your toilet had opinions?! Catherine, it’s a toilet! It doesn’t have opinions—it has flushes!”
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES (stiffly):
“You weren’t there. It was… vocal.”
LADY GAGA (wiping tears):
“So. Recap. I electrocuted an electrician. Rihanna gave a plumber a private show. Catherine made a plumber sign a legally binding document before he could fix her toilet. And we’re the ones complaining about tradie quality?”
RIHANNA (grinning):
“To be fair, the electrician survived. The plumber survived. The NDA-plumber survived. Nobody died. The work got done. We just have… unique hiring processes.”
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES (finally cracking a smile):
“‘Unique.’ That’s one word for it. ‘Unhinged’ is another. ‘Horrifying’ is a third.”
LADY GAGA (raising her glass):
“To Lavender Bay! Where the views are stunning, the tradies are traumatised, and the entertainment is us!”
RIHANNA (clinking glasses):
“To the electrician who learned not to touch wires!”
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES (clinking reluctantly):
“To the plumber who survived a shampoo-related meltdown and an NDA!”
THE FINAL, SARCASTIC VERDICT
As the three superstars prepared to depart—Gaga to her chauffeur, Rihanna to her helicopter, Catherine to her private town car—they offered their closing remarks with the grace of angels and the sass of reality TV judges.
LADY GAGA (adjusting her sunglasses):
“If you want a good Lavender Bay electrician, test their work. But maybe… don’t electrocute them. That’s apparently frowned upon.”
RIHANNA (waving dismissively):
“And if you have a gurgling drain, just record it on your phone. The plumber doesn’t need a front-row seat to your shower. Trust me on this.”
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES (looking profoundly done with both of them):
“And if you need a plumber to fix your toilet, for the love of all that is holy, do not make them sign an NDA. That’s what therapy is for.”
And with that, they vanished into the Lavender Bay mist—leaving the rest of us to wonder how these women have survived this long, why their tradies still take their calls, and whether anyone in Lavender Bay has normal tradesperson stories.
(Probably not.)
— FIN —
The Lavender Bay Gazette does not endorse electrocution, shower surveillance, or toilet-related NDAs. But we do endorse good tradies. If you find one, treat them well. They’ve probably survived worse.
FOR THE RECORD:
What is a Plumber?
A plumber is a tradesperson who specializes in installing and maintaining systems used for potable water, sewage, and drainage in plumbing systems. The word dates from the Roman Empire and is related to the Latin word for lead, “plumbum” . Plumbers detect faults, install fixtures, test pipes for leaks, and—apparently—occasionally hand celebrities the wrong shampoo .
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Plumbing
What is Lavender Bay?
Lavender Bay is a harbourside suburb on the lower North Shore of Sydney, located three kilometres north of the Sydney CBD. It’s a residential suburb with expansive views of Sydney Harbour, a population of 870 (as of the 2021 census), and heritage-listed sites including the Brett Whiteley House . It’s named after Boatswain George Lavender, from the prison hulk “Phoenix”, which was moored there for many years . Notable residents have included cricketer Don Bradman and artists Norman Lindsay and Brett Whiteley . It’s also, apparently, where global icons go to traumatise tradies.