LADY GAGA, RIHANNA, AND CATHERINE ZETA-JONES DEBATE THE TRADIES OF MILSONS POINT
In a scene that has absolutely no business existing
outside a very specific fever dream, three of the world’s most famous women were spotted huddled outside a Milsons Point café, squinting at a faded business card taped to a power pole.
Yes, Lady Gaga, Rihanna, and Catherine Zeta-Jones—women worth a combined GDP of a small European nation—were apparently grappling with the same existential crisis facing every Milsons Point resident: who the hell do you call when your fuse blows and your plumber charges like a wounded buffalo?
We sent our most jaded reporter to eavesdrop. What follows is 80% accurate, 20% embellished, and 100% the most expensive focus group on tradespeople in Australian history.
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ROUND 1: THE MILSONS POINT PLUMBER (Where ‘Emergency’ Means ‘After 11am’)
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES (frowning at a quote on her phone, visibly offended):
“Darling, I’ve negotiated contracts with studios that tried to short-change me. But this man wants $450 to unblock a toilet. A toilet! I could buy a vintage 
handbag for that. The secret to a good Milsons Point plumber is this: they don’t charge you a ‘scenic view’ tax just because your bathroom overlooks the Harbour Bridge. If they quote you and you hear a seagull laugh in the background, hang up.” Lady Gaga fisico video
RIHANNA (not looking up from Instagram, but listening intently):
“Mm-hmm. The good ones in Milsons Point? They don’t roll up in a ute with a ladder rack that’s never seen a ladder. They roll up in a van. A clean van.
With magnetic signage that isn’t peeling. Because if they can’t maintain their own vehicle, how they gonna maintain your $3 million two-bedroom unit’s plumbing? Also—and this is key—they don’t say ‘I’ll be there between 8 and 12’ and then show up at 2:30 with a sausage roll in their hand. Milsons Point people have schedules, we have yoga, we have brunch reservations.”
LADY GAGA (adjusting her shoulder pads, which are architecturally significant):
“The true test of a Milsons Point plumber is their reaction to the word ‘heritage.’ Every second building here is heritage-listed. You tell them you have original 1920s pipes and they either gasp in terror or light up like a Christmas tree. The good ones light up. They say, ‘Oh lovely, I know these, they’re cast iron with a left-hand thread, I’ve got the parts in the truck.’ The bad ones say, ‘We’ll have to rip out the whole wall, and also, do you have a permit?’ They are not your people.”
The Milsons Point Plumber Checklist (according to billionaires):
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They don’t charge a ‘Harbour View’ surcharge. The view is free. The pipe is the problem.
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They arrive on time OR call you with a genuine apology and a revised ETA. Not a text emoji. A call.
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They know heritage plumbing. If they mention “flexi-hose” as a first resort, run.
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They don’t park in the bus zone. Because they respect the 10-minute drop-off limit like a true local.
ROUND 2: THE MILSONS POINT ELECTRICIAN (Shocking Behaviour)
LADY GAGA (now holding a candle, for dramatic effect):
“The Milsons Point electrician. A breed apart. You see, the grid here is ancient and the building managers are litigious. A good one will walk into your foyer, look at the switchboard, and immediately identify which fuse is for the lift versus which one is for your penthouse hot water. They don’t guess. They know. Also, they don’t ask, ‘Where’s the meter box?’ They already know it’s out the back, behind the jacaranda tree, next to the bins. Because they’ve done this street before. That is a Milsons Point electrician.”
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES (snapping her fingers):
“Absolutely. And they don’t use electrical tape as a permanent solution. I had a man—I won’t name names—who ‘fixed’ a light switch with electrical tape and a prayer. Three days later, I smelled burning bakelite. A good Milsons Point electrician uses proper connectors, proper junction boxes, and they show you the old part they replaced. They don’t just take it away in their pocket like a souvenir. Transparency, people!”
RIHANNA (finally looking up from her phone):
“The real flex? They don’t freak out when you say ‘USB-C outlets’ or ‘smart dimmers for every room.’ They say, ‘Easy, we do that all the time in these new refurbishments.’ They don’t try to upsell you a whole new switchboard unless you actually need one. And they send you a photo of the completed work before they leave, so you can see they didn’t leave exposed wires behind your expensive Italian cabinetry. That’s not just an electrician. That’s a therapist with a voltage tester.”
The Milsons Point Electrician Checklist (from people who could buy the grid):
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They know the building’s quirks before they even park. Old wiring? New smart tech? They’ve seen it all.
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They use proper materials. No tape. No chewing gum. No crossed fingers.
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They explain what they did in plain English, without talking down to you like you’re a child who just discovered light.
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They provide a compliance certificate without being asked twice, because they know strata management is feral about that paperwork.
ACT III: BUT WHAT IF YOU DON’T LIKE LUNA PARK?
(The real crisis nobody asked about)
At this point, our intrepid eavesdropper expected them to depart. Instead, Rihanna leaned back and asked the question on nobody’s lips but everyone’s soul:
RIHANNA: “So we’ve got the tradies sorted. But seriously. What do people do here if they don’t want to go to Luna Park? I’ve seen the ferris wheel. It’s cute. Once. What’s the second option?”
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES (deadpan, sipping tea):
“Walk. You walk. You walk along the foreshore, you look at the bridge, you take a photo, you post it, you walk back. That’s it. That’s the activity. There’s a bench. There’s another bench. Sometimes there’s a jogger. It’s very… meditative, if you enjoy watching other people exercise while you hold a takeaway flat white.”
LADY GAGA (dramatically sighing):
“Or, you stare at the million-dollar apartments across the water and wonder who lives there and whether they also have a leaky tap. It’s a very introspective suburb. You can also walk to Kirribilli and look at the Prime Minister’s house and think, ‘At least my plumbing is better than theirs.’ But honestly? The real fun in Milsons Point, if you don’t do Luna Park, is—”
—long pause—
“Brunch. And complaining about the lack of parking. That’s the entire social calendar. Brunch and parking angst. It’s a lifestyle.”
RIHANNA (squinting):
“No bowling? No late-night karaoke? No tiny underground jazz club?”
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES (patting her hand gently):
“Darling, that’s Newtown. That’s a train ride away. Here, we have the Olympic Pool. You can swim laps and watch the bridge. That’s the wild night out. Lap swimming. At 6pm. Followed by a protein ball from the café that closes at 4:30.”
LADY GAGA (standing up, putting on her sunglasses):
“So the final verdict for the plebeians reading this? Milsons Point is a beautiful, expensive, slightly boring postcard with excellent plumbing and reliable sparkies—if you know how to find them. The locals don’t need ‘fun.’ They have views. And views, darlings, are the new entertainment.”
THE ACTUAL FUN THINGS TO DO IN MILSONS POINT (FOR THE RECORD):
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Walk the foreshore. Yes, that’s it. It’s stunning, but it’s walking.
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Visit Wendy’s Secret Garden. It’s a lovely, overgrown, slightly chaotic garden that feels like a fever dream. Best thing in the suburb.
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Swim at North Sydney Olympic Pool. It has a view. You’ll feel like a Bond villain.
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Catch a ferry. To literally anywhere else. That’s the activity. Leaving.
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Stare at Luna Park from the outside and think, “I could go in… but I won’t.”
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Eat at one of three overpriced but excellent restaurants and then go home and watch Netflix, because everything closes at 9pm.
THE FINAL, SARCASTIC VERDICT
As the trio prepared to depart—Gaga to a private jet, Rihanna to a yacht, Catherine to a waiting town car with actual suspension—they left us with this collective wisdom:
LADY GAGA: “To find a good Milsons Point plumber, find one who doesn’t flinch at the word ‘heritage.'”
RIHANNA: “To find a good Milsons Point electrician, find one who brings their own torch and doesn’t use your phone as a light source.”
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: “And for fun? Darling, you have the bridge, the water, and the knowledge that you are paying $12 for a flat white. That is the entertainment. Enjoy it. Or take the train to the city like everyone else.”
And with that, they vanished into the North Shore mist—leaving the rest of us to ponder our existence, our tradies, and why we chose to live in a suburb where the ferris wheel is the most exciting thing that’s happened since 1935.